Week 11: Dedicated to the memory of Jim Croce

Last week: 4-1
Season: 9-3-2

You might as well tie the following picks into a five-team parlay, because as Glengarry Glen Ross' Shelly Levene said, "I am going to close them all, and that's all I have to say to you" (flip-off gesture). I've got the good leads this week; I'm carrying the Glengarry leads. To you they're gold, but you shouldn't get them, because to give them to you would be to throw them away. They're for closers only.

So you're bitchin' about what? Bitchin' about some parlay you lost, some back-door cover that burned you, some total you missed …? You call yourself a gambler, you son-of-a-bitch? You can't pull the trigger on the leads you're given, you can't close shit, you are shit, so hit the bricks, pal, because you're going out.

I can go out this weekend, with the leads you're given, and close three two-team parlays in one afternoon--can you?! The sportsbooks are sitting out there waiting to give you their money. Are you gonna take it? Are you man enough to take it? Soon, I'll be financing a new Lexus RX Pebble Beach edition complements of this years' winnings, because that's who I am … and you're nothing.

I'd wish you luck but you wouldn't know what to do with it anyway. That said, here are the Glengarry leads:







12:00
Line: Atlanta -5.5
Percent of Vegas action on Atlanta: 90%

At this rate, Matt Ryan is going to be the reason that in twenty years kids will be saying things like "who's Joe Montana?" He sounds, and plays like, a Tom Clancy character. I vividly remember sitting in my apartment last year as Boston College took on Virginia Tech when Ryan scored two touchdowns in the last two minutes of the game to beat the Hokies 14-10. I remember because it snapped my teaser and made me realize that this kid was the second coming. I hated him for the teaser thing, but knew he'd be the best QB coming out of the draft. He's proven as much this year.

The DEN/CLE game cost me a perfect 5-0 record last week. Damn Cleveland for giving away a 23-10 lead in the third quarter and allowing that pasty freak, Cutler, to throw three fourth quarter TD's. I want Denver to lose and I want to profit from it. I'm betting this game with my heart, not el cabesa. I want Ryan to prove he's the real gunslinger in the league by toarching that paltry Denver D. Win this one for Jud Nelson and give the 5.5.









12:00
Line: Miami -10.5
Percent of Vegas action on Miami: 72%

Carolina's Jake Delhomme had the worst game of his life last week: 7/27 for 72 yards and 4 picks. You'd be right to think that he was trying to shave points, but even this dreadful performance proved to be too much of the hapless Raiders. Oakland hasn't seen the end zone in nine quarters of football and the Dolphins are prepped to make that thirteen.

What's left to be said that hasn't been already? Russell is out, Walter's hurt, and Tuiasosopo sucks. The toughest question may be will this team ever score another touchdown? Tom Cable is the Caucasian version of Ballsac Teabagger. I can picture Pennington having one of those games where all you see before CBS cuts to commercial breaks are huge smiles, fist-pumps, and those Walter Payton-esque jumping back-collision celebrations. I'm not even sure I'd take the Raiders +21 in this game. Half their players couldn't even make the Humplick Railhumppers.

Oakland to Miami is a long trip. What will be longer is the trip home sitting on those inflatable donuts after being sodomized by the Dolphins. Talk about catching the red-eye!

Bienvenido a Miami, limp-dicks.









3:15
Line: Tennessee -3
Percent of Vegas action on Tennessee: 97%

Jacksonville is the most unreliable team in the NFL. All I can think of when I see Garrard are those ads he does for Crohn's disease. I don't know what Crohn's is, but I think it makes you throw like a limp-wristed poof. Tennessee is 8-1 ATS this year because they're hated by the entire country for being a boring team. Boring they may be, but having the best O- and D-lines in the NFL make for a lot boring wins. The Titans made some costly mistakes last week and still covered. Dropping the ball on the goal line is usually enough to change the tide of momentum against you, but Tennessee rolled with this punch and staved off a rabid crowd and a quarterback with boomerangs for eyebrows.

I've lost more money betting on and against Jacksonville than any other team. They are in fact my nemesis. They've singlehandedly brought two gambling seasons to premature ends, but not this year. Jack Del Rio probably owes me five figures by now, and I intend to collect on that debt this weekend. It's time for Jackie boy to get hustled, and I'm his pusher, baby.

This line seems so shaddy. Vegas is already calling upset. This is where we band together and collectively piss all over the oddsmakers on the Dirty Boulevard. They'll be wrong here, and we'll (I'll) be right. When in doubt, follow this time-tested credo: Always bet against the guy with gastrointestinal problems.







3:15
Line: Pittsburg -4
Percent of Vegas action on Pittsburg: 95%

As we saw last week, Tomlinson is washed up. Oh yeah, I when there. His career, like flight 93, is going down. He's average at best. Better squeeze in some more Campbell's Chunky Soup and Vizio ads while you can. And by the way, can Philip Rivers stop going to Super Cuts? It looks like he walked in and said "give me the Todd Mader." (Spit.) Time for a big-boy haircut, maybe? If you're still going into your barber and using the phrase "high & tight," you might as well shrink-wrap your dong.

Roethlisberger's donkey performance last week cost the team the game and its grip on the division. They need this win. The fans will be twirling their bibs around their heads like the sausage-devouring, blue-collar morons they are. It'll be cold this week in PA, and you know how this Chargers team plays in sub-forty degree weather: like pansies. Give the 4.

----

Go and do likewise gents - the money's out there. You pick it up it’s yours; you don’t, I have no sympathy for you. Get mad, you son-of-a-bitches, get mad!

Bonus College Pick:

Penn State -34.5

****purely for entertainment purposes****