Last week: 2-3
Season: 5-3-2
The much-maligned NFL Network will be broadcasting its first game of the season this Thursday as the Broncos hobble into Cleveland. A Thursday night game is a different animal than a Sunday/Monday battle. In college, Thursday night football is where rated teams go to die, but the NFL's different. If you're lucky enough to be watching the game (or rich enough), the vibe is something altogether unique. We've all grown accustomed to nuances of game coverage each network has. Below is a breakdown of the things we love and hate about each of the NFL providers:
CBS
- Horrid pre/post-game show comprised of egomaniac ex-players
- Boring announcers
- Very clean coverage; no replays of fights or skirmishes
- Very generous with bonus coverage
- Often switch coverage from blow-outs to more interesting games
- Well produced and reliable
- Odd camera angles at times (can we ditch the blimp-cam already?)
ESPN
- Bloated pre-game, but watchable; lot of burnouts, imbeciles and posers with microphones (Ditka, Emmitt, Stewart Scott)
- MNF doesn't feel right on ESPN; Mike Patrick was just magic on the Sunday evening ESPN game
- The revolving door of announcers should see Kornheiser leaving when whence he came (I've forgotten more about football then he ever knew)
- Jaworski's surprisingly good in the booth coupled the paraplegic Tirico
- The nature of the network allows them the ability to dredge stats and video clips the others can't
FOX
- The most tollerable pre-game show
- Great production value if you like animatronics robots, laser lightshows and Batman and Robin sound effects
- Biased commentators, i.e. Troy Aikman
- Worst sideline reporters of Earth; Pam Oliver should go back to modeling sweaters in Dillard's catalogs
- Has no shame replaying fights and injuries
NBC
- The worst of all networks, bar none
- A pregame show with of 10+ ex-players, former HBO hosts, radio personalities and George Bush-hating zealots
- Want so badly to be able to cover football without looking like phonies; thanks to them, we've all been able to see Notre Dame die before our eyes
- Dick Ebersol is a lot like Chevy Chase: people under twenty don't know who he is because he spent the past two decades making garbage
- John Madden is to video games what George Foreman is to grills, and no one cares about their past anymore
- The horse trailer gimmick is a meaningless tribute that no one cares about except a 400-pound glutton
The NFL, in a shameless attempt to raise revenues, has embarked on its fourth season of keeping football from the public. Bars, restaurants and the frivolously wealthy are the only ones privy to this game. If you happen to be amongst the few that see it, a strange thought washes over you midway through the first quarter: it's Thursday, you're drunk, and you're watching NFL football. Fans in the stadiums are even taken aback. A strongly reserved attitude falls over the gazing masses as if to demonstrate to NFL executives that we can indeed handle this privilege and deserve more in the future. The normal brainless frenzy of Sundays is not to be found. This is, after all, a weekday, and people have to get back to work win or lose.
Thursday, 7:15
Line: Cleveland -3
Percent of Vegas action on Denver: 62%
The Broncos may be the worst team to ever be leading its division going into week 10. Jay Cutler, and all his boy-wonder hype, is the most over-rated quarterback in the NFL. He gets flustered, even grumpy, when he has to make a play. He can only play with the lead! He claims to have a stronger arm than John Elway … okay, who cares? You don't have a stronger arm than Jeff George (who met with Herm Edwards just last week to discuss returning to football as the Chiefs starter) and he's 41! Arm strength means nothing. Just ask JaMarcus Russell.
The Browns are coming off a tough loss to a stodgy Baltimore D. Their offensive floodgates should open up this week as the NFL's worst defense takes the field. Cleveland has already proved they could show up on a big stage with its dismantling of the defending Super Bowl champs on MNF. This is last call for Cleveland; a loss here and their season's over. A short week favors the home squad, so lay the chalk and watch Quinn chug some Muscle Milk™ while getting his first win. Believe it, pencil-dicks.
3:05
Line: Carolina -9
Percent of Vegas action on Carolina: 99%
This is the easiest game on the board. Oakland has the most inept team in the league, and they don't care about winning anymore, which is music to a gambler's ears. The Raiders will lose the rest of their games and fail to cover the majority of them, too. They're not even going to win one of those lets-win-this-game-to-knock-so-and-so-out-of-the-playoffs games. This is an in-house Helter Skelter. I've never seen a team this bad. There is no worse team in the NFL nor any team heading south quicker. This line should be closer to 16 or 17.
Tom Cable, if he hasn't been bludgeoned to death by rabid fans, will prove once again that he's the most undissevering and incompetent head coach in the NFL. I'm not sure he's ever seen a football game before last month. I'm fairly sure he's actually that roaring drunk from Revenge of the Nerds. Tom Cable's inability to keep from embarrassing himself is going to make me a happy man. Consider Tom Cable your personal coke mule for the remainder of the season. This weekend he'll be smuggling a handsome payday up his arse.
12:00
Line: Tennessee -3
Percent of Vegas action on Tennessee: 96%
Tennessee does not play in a sexy market and thus they're hated by the t-shirt peddling NFL. This line reflects that. They received a nice scare last week and should be focused going into Chi-town.
Rex Grossman will be starting in place of the injured Kyle Orton. Let me repeat that: Rex Grossman is at the helm! He's a born loser who's hated by an entire city for losing a Super Bowl. After his first mistake in this game, the fans well be booing like the beer-drunk, pizza-devouring idiots they are. He'll have no confidence. I like going against bitch quarterbacks, and this Rex fellow is a true bitch. Steven Segal even hates him.
The Bears had to stage a second half comeback against the Lions last week. Why would I back a team that struggles with the winless Lions? There is simply not a good case to be made for a Chicago play here. The Titans are now on a mission to seal up that home field advantage throughout the playoffs and Chicago is not the team, or defense, it was several years ago.
I like the pudgy bitch, Rex, to have the kind of performances he's accustomed to: three or four picks, arrant throws, happy feet, and an overall lackluster game/life.
Line: San Diego -15
Percent of Vegas action on Kansas City: 76%
San Diego is considered one of what I call "America's teams." To be classifies as an "America's team" you must possess one or more of the following characteristics: (a) have a marquee player; (b) play in a huge football market; or (c) have a storied past. San Diego & Dallas are the preeminent "America's teams" in the NFL right now. People love these teams for some reason, and thus they get very generous lines from the oddsmakers. KC has proven in back-to-back weeks that they can keep games manageable. Sure, SD needs this game bad and will come out with a victory, but this is too high. Teams giving double-digit chalk are not covering this year.
Bonus College Play: Western Michigan +7.5
*** solely for entertainment purposes***
